Life before I realized God was very similar to my normal life. I was still the same Yena Hwang. The same Yena Hwang, externally. I had the same hair color, eye color, nose, and eyes. But no reliance and reassurance. Not having God in my life was like a building missing its base. Before realizing God, I was still happy. I still laughed really hard, went to school, and had fun with my so-called “friends.” They were my friends, but it didn’t feel genuine to me. During the time when God was lost in my heart, I was trying my best to fit into the world’s views. The way I talked and my opinions weren’t real but guided by what would be “liked.” I didn’t know me; I thought knowing me was fitting myself into this mold that was not designed for me, created by someone who didn’t know me. So how on earth would it fit me?? …I tried and tried to fit in, knowing that it wasn’t created for me, but, for some reason, I craved this validation of fitting in. (By fitting in, it wasn’t like something really crazy, though; it was 5th grade, and I didn’t have much to do in 5th grade.) Life wasn’t hard back in that time, but it felt like I had to act like a different “Yena” when I went to school. But there isn’t a different “Yena”; there’s just one. I feel like this period of my life lasted for quite a few years. I knew that He was there, but He was never the main topic and always in the back of my mind. Isn’t it funny how time flies??

Realizing Christ was like discovering the real intended version for Yena Hwang. He had the power to love me, validate me, and make me feel special. He made me feel like a beautiful flower, a very special one. It was just a normal Sunday at church, but I had to wait for my dad after the sermon because we had a potluck for the 찬양가 team. That was when I met this very special girl. That was the start of my deeply rooted friendship with her. It was just one small potluck that created thousands of memories and ultimately changed my life. I realized that these special relationships help find God; my story isn’t crazy or anything impactful to anyone. But that doesn’t matter to me; what matters is that I believe in Him and what He can do, because He did it for me. Because of this girl, I looked forward to going to church every Sunday, some weeks, I would just wait the whole week to go to church. It felt like school was some other universe that wasn’t fully perfected, but church was. Every Sunday was filled with my big, loud laughter and screams of happiness. At church, it felt like I had a different identity, something that I felt more comfortable and happy with. It made me curious about God and what He could do for me, because I was already so comfortable at church. But then, God again created a new friendship for me. At school, I made another connection with a girl that I never expected. She made me more comfortable and happy to bring out the church “Yena” into school. I now see God’s way of communicating; when I’m in neglectance, He adds a new person into my life. He has helped me create friendships that I know are going to last forever in my heart and reality. Jesus entering into my heart has saved me from sin by creating these loyal friendships. He as a spirit being by me through hard times, makes me feel reassured to know that I am not alone, and eventually, He will be there waiting for me , giving me salvation and eternal life.

Life being a Christian is still confusing because He still isn’t on my mind ALL THE TIME. Even after knowing God, when I’m overwhelmed about my responsibilities, my brain is so fixated on the problem that even I can’t fix. Sometimes I’m a control freak, and when my hands are full and I’m not in control of my emotions, my brain explodes. Most times, the solution is waiting for me to realize and come to Him. As I get less and less overwhelmed and more in control, that’s when I see him and ask for help, when in the first place the reason that it got better is because he fixed it. One of the things that came close to my heart during Pastor Jerry’s sermons was when he said that “we can only see because we have light, not our eyes.” That really hit me hard because it kind of just changed my perspective of things. Jesus was light in that case. It makes me think really deeply and hard about how humans think “we have eyes” equals “we can see.” We never think about what would happen without light, but what would happen without our eyes? Sometimes I think it’s very egoistic of me to only think about the eyes and not the light. When there is a problem, the solution, the light of God, is there to help you, but I try to look but don’t. Most times, I am very egoistic. I want to get the credit; I want to benefit myself and only myself. I don’t have the qualities of Jesus, and to call myself worthy is something else. Jesus accepting me is not just me confirmed as a Christian. It’s Jesus’ reassurance, saying that I’m worthy and able. In a world full of noises and opinions, He is my quiet and comforting refuge.

Even if I am Christian, I still struggle with sin. I lie, curse, and wish negative results upon people. But it’s the way that I interpret life, and my reactions to sinning, that has changed. Before, I used to brush it off, knowing that God would forgive me, and not owning up to my mistakes. As I’ve matured and found God, I find myself very much in guilt. Sometimes I feel very guilty knowing that, yet again, I did something that I KNEW was bad. Ultimately, through God’s words, praise songs, and praying, I can kind of “let” myself go of this internal guilt and shame that comes with sinning. I think the result of sinning is still the same no matter if you brush it off, like I used to, or own up to it; He will always forgive you. That’s something that really comforts me every day. But as you know Him and learn from your mistakes of sinning, the journey is so much more powerful and can really open your eyes to another side of your faith. Now the next step for the new “Yena” that is to come is to share His love in all the ways I can.